2009 NFL Draft Running Diary

First things first (because that just makes sense): clearly I haven't been updating on a daily basis like I said I would. There are two reasons for that.
First of all, shortly after posting that I realized I don't want this to turn into something that I update constantly with short little mean-nothing posts. I'd rather take time and actually write something relatively meaningful, even if that "something relatively meaningful" includes references to '80s TV.
The second reason is that I'm busy. Wait, not busy. Lazy. The second reason is that I'm lazy.
Anyway, I just spent the better part of my Saturday watching the first round of the NFL draft. And I decided to keep a running diary. Now you know what it would be like to watch a semi-interesting event with a semi-interesting person.
I haven't edited this much so it may be full of typos. Let me know what you think. If I get any sort of positive response, I might attempt to do a live running diary some time...

- In their opening statements, both Keyshawn Johnson and Steve Young told me they think this is going to be fun. That’s all I need to hear.
- I love how the first overall pick has become the least exciting pick of the draft.
- Why do I feel like Roger Goodell reacts to the sound of cheering fans in much the same way the rest of us react to the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. I’ve never seen him look even a little bit comfortable in any situation.
- I have a hard time buying the hype surrounding Matthew Stafford. He’s definitely benefiting from a weak QB class.
- The guys on the panel don’t seem sold on Stafford either.
- I’m glad the first overall pick is out of the way. Now maybe Keyshawn will stop talking about how he was a first-overall pick, too.
- Mel Kiper likes Mark Sanchez with this pick for St. Louis. I don’t. Just because he’s the best QB available doesn’t mean he’s the right pick.
- The Rams really need to draft an entire team here. Jason Smith makes the most sense to me, though.
- And it’s Smith. I bet the Rams would have loved to trade down, but at least this should help them protect Bulger.
- The Chiefs should jump all over Aaron Curry here. With a half-decent defence, I think KC could really be good in a terrible division this year.
- I can only assume this is the only time ESPN will ask for Herm Edwards’ opinion on anything today. Herm thinks the Chiefs should trade down. I’m noticing a trend.
- By the way, as a Bucs fan I’m really afraid of Tony Gonzalez being in Atlanta this season. That is all.
- I’m putting the over/under on pick 17 for a Keyshawn/Young fistfight. And I’m taking the under. Steve seems fired up today.
- The Chiefs take LSU defensive end Tyson Jackson. Apparently, that’s a “system pick”. Aaron Curry couldn’t have played in the Chiefs’ system?
- Seattle’s another team that needs to draft an entire team. This might be where someone trades up to take Sanchez.
- Steve Young has already held “not a referendum” on Marc Bulger and Matt Hasselbeck. Funny.
- The Seahawks take Curry. Sanchez made more sense to me. He could learn from Hasselbeck, and he’s the kind of pick Seattle fans could get excited about.
- Mort is expecting a trade frpom the Browns here. He suggested they could take Sanchez to “control where he ends up”. I suppose that’s true, in that they’d ensure that he ends up in Cleveland. Can’t we say that about any draft pick?
- The Jets have moved up into this spot. I’d assume that means Sanchez goes here.
- Either Sanchez just got a phone call saying he’s going to the Jets or he’s really excited about the amount of money he’s saving by switching car insurance providers.
- Well, any Jets fan who thought the Jets were only a QB away from the Super Bowl is excited right now. Brett Favre is rolling over in his grave. What do you mean he’s not dead?
- You know you’re good at your job as the ShamWow guy when your picture can be all over the Internet because you beat up a hooker and they still run your commercial constantly. I wonder if he told the hooker that he can’t do this all day. Did he ask the mugshot photographer, “Are you following me camera guy?”
- It looks like the Bengals are taking offensive tackle Andre Smith. I liked B.J. Raji here. He just seems like he’d fit in well with what they’re trying to do in Cincinnati, namely to field a team of degenerates.
- That said, if the Bucs could somehow get Raji, I’d pee my pants. In excitement, I mean.
- I hate the Raiders. I really hope they take Jeremy Maclin here. It makes sense, because Al Davis loves speed, but it doesn’t make much sense for any other reason. At what point does someone wrestle control of the Raiders away from Davis? And I mean literally, physically wrestle. It wouldn’t be hard to do.
- The Raiders just took wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey. He’s fast. That’s about all he’s got going for him. They could have moved really, really far down and still got him. They essentially picked, at best, the third best receiver available. Todd McShay had Heyward-Bey ranked 25th overall and fourth amongst receivers. That’s awesome. You’ve got to love Al Davis, assuming you aren’t a Raiders fan.
- Herm Edwards likes that pick for Oakland. Enough said. I guess, if nothing else, they can build on this.
- I really hope Michael Crabtree doesn’t end up in Green Bay. All signs point to him being available for them at No. 9. My good friend Pete Lucarotti is a Packers fan, and I don’t want to have to hear how Crabtree will turn that team around for the entire summer. Of course, he’ll also be excited to get B.J. Raji, so either way I’m probably screwed.
- Jacksonville takes offensive tackle Eugene Monroe. That’s a good pick for them. If they can protect David Garrard, they could bounce back from a horrible 2008 and make some noise this year.
- B.J. Raji’s on the phone and smiling. That’s not a good sign.
- His family’s celebrating. I’m not.
- It hurts me to say that the Packers should be really good this year. Of course, I would have said the same thing this time last year.
- Crabtree’s got to go to San Francisco at 10 now. And the 49ers have to be ecstatic that he’s still on the board.
- Erin Andrews just reported that someone at Crabtree’s table breathed a sigh of relief when he wasn’t chosen by Oakland. Funny.
- There goes Raji to Green Bay. Goddamn it.
- As if it wasn’t hard enough to focus on the draft with NHL and NBA playoff games happening at the same time, Raiders of the Lost Ark is on, too. Must…stay…focused.
- I’d be ecstatic if Aaron Maybin somehow fell to the Bucs at 19. I won’t hold my breath, though.
- Crabtree’s on the phone. He should probably try to work a “no nude Singletary” clause into his contract.
- And San Fran takes Crabtree. If only they had some sort of QB to get him the ball. 49ers fans are having Jerry Rice flashbacks.
- We’re getting to a point in the draft where I don’t know what to expect. I think Buffalo’s probably looking at defensive end/linebacker Brian Orakpo or Maybin here, but I’m not sure. They need a pass rush. Badly.
- The Bills take Maybin. Damn.
- Denver’s up next. I really feel like the Broncos are in disarray right now. I’m going to go ahead and suggest that getting rid of one of the best young QBs in the league isn’t a move that you make when things are going well. I’m just saying…
- This pick could be a running back. Maybe Knowshon Moreno. They need a miracle.
- The Broncos take Moreno. They’ve gone from being a team where anyone can run the ball well to a team where it seems like no one will be able to run successfully for them.
- The Redskins are on the clock, and they immediately take Orakpo. That took all of five seconds. He could make some noise lined up beside Albert Haynesworth.
- The Saints are up next. They need pretty much anything on defence. I wrote that in 2002 and I’ve been recycling it every year since. They could also use a running back who can actually run the ball, although I liked Pierre Thomas last year, as did my fantasy team.
- Herm Edwards agrees that the Saints need to go defence here. You’re my boy, Herm!
- And New Orleans takes cornerback Malcolm Jenkins. As a Bucs fan, I like the fact that he’s supposedly not that great, and that speed is an issue.
- The Texans are up, and I have no idea what they need. Linebacker maybe? Houston’s probably the team I know the least about in the NFL.
- The Texans take outside linebacker Brian Cushing. Meh. He describes himself as “versatile”.
- San Diego should probably draft a head coach here. If not, maybe a wide receiver like Maclin makes sense, assuming Shawne Merriman can come back and be Shawne Merriman this year.
- The Chargers take outside linebacker Larry English. I guess that means there are questions about Merriman. I still liked a head coach for them here.
- Now the Browns will make the pick they got from the Jets. I hope they don’t take defensive tackle Peria Jerry. Mock drafts ad him falling to the Bucs, and I’ve liked the highlights I’ve seen from him. He kind of reminds me of Warren Sapp. And that’s not biased at all…
- The Bucs moved up into this spot! They give up their sixth round pick to move up two spots. They might take quarterback Josh Freeman. That would be exciting, but I’m still hoping for Jerry here.
- Looks like it’s going to be Freeman. Give me a second to talk myself into this.
- Well, at least this makes this season interesting. The Bucs have never had a big, mobile, athletic guy behind center as long as I’ve been a fan. I’d feel a lot better about this if we still had Jon Gruden at head coach. He could work with QBs. I don’t know that Raheem Morris will be able to do the same thing. But this will be interesting. Freeman’s got all the tools. It’ll be a lot more exciting watching him instead of Byron Leftwich or Brian Griese. Leftwich will probably start the year as the starter, but Morris apparently loves Freeman, so I assume we’ll see him sooner rather than later.
- Denver takes linebacker Robert Ayers. Steve Young could not hate the Broncos more. It’s pretty hilarious listening to him talk about the Jay Cutler deal.
- I’d really like to watch a football event (game, draft, practice, etc.) with Steve Young and Keyshawn Johnson. I feel like I’d spend 90 to 95 per cent of the time trying to explain that they agree with each other and that there’s no reason to fight. “Steve, it’s Key’s turn to talk.” “Key, Steve just said the exact same thing.”
- Looks like the Eagles have moved up to take Maclin at 19. Good pick for the Eagles, though he seems a lot like Deshawn Jackson, their first-round pick from last year. I’m not sure who the Browns are waiting on, but they’ll wait a couple more picks.
- I just want to point out that the second-ranked wide receiver on most boards was just taken at 19. The Raiders took the fourth-ranked receiver on those same boards with pick No. 7. Awesome.
- Herm Edwards just gave Andy Reid a vote of confidence. I think my head exploded.
- Now the Lions pick again. Steve Young wants them to take five offensive linemen here. Instead, they go with tight end Brandon Pettigrew. That should help Stafford’s development both blocking-wise and receiving-wise. Even Steve’s on board. Could the Lions actually have a good draft?
- Apparently, Cleveland was waiting on center Alex Mack. I think they probably would have moved down a few more spots if they could have, but it seems they got the guy they wanted and they picked up five more picks in the process.
- The Vikings take wide receiver Percy Harvin, whho failed a drug test at the combine. Mel Kiper’s comparing him to Reggie Bush. Can Minnesota fans get excited about that? Now Mort’s telling us that Minnesota’s trying to clean up their team. That makes sense.
- Herm just compared Harvin to a sports car, and could not have looked more happy with himself afterwards. Atta boy, Herm.
- The Patriots trade pick No. 23 to the Ravens, who choose offensive tackle Michael Oher. Apparently he used to be homeless. Go check out the story for yourself so you can change the channel when it’s mentioned a million times over the summer.
- Atlanta’s on the clock. I liked Oher’s interview with Erin Andrews. He’s got some swagger. You need that in an offensive tackle. OK, that’s not true. But I like a little swagger in any football player.
- The Falcons take Peria Jerry. I’m going to go hang myself.
- Miami’s up next. I wonder if the Dolphins worry about whether a potential pick can work within the Wildcat offence. I want to go on the record right now with the idea that we won’t see the Wildcat from anyone after the sixth week this year.
- I really hate the Boston Pizza commercials with the family all wearing the same kind glasses. If you think a baby in glasses talking like an adult is funny, I don’t want to be your friend. There, I said it.
- The Dolphins take cornerback Vontae Davis. Apparently he’s the younger brother of Vernon Davis. You’ve got to love that pedigree.
- New England’s back on the clock. Apparently they’re trying to move down again. I’m really tired of Bill Belichick copying everything Eric Mangini does. Wait…
- The Packers have moved into the 26th spot. They take linebacker Clay Matthews, who to me looks a lot like Green Bay linebacker A.J. Hawk. Matthews’ dad played linebacker in the NFL, and his uncle is former Houston Oilers offensive tackle Bruce Matthews, who played 48 years in the NFL. Roughly. You actually do have to like that pedigree.
- The Colts pick running back Donald Brown with pick No. 27. Joseph Addai is turning 26 this year, but he looks like he’s about 36. This could be it for him.
- The Bills take center Eric Woods. Steve Young just told us that center is the new tackle. The Bills better hope so, because they really need a tackle.
- The Giants take wide receiver Hakeem Nicks. If you had the Giants taking anything other than a wide receiver, you’re an idiot. He’s tall, so maybe he can replace Plaxico Burress on some level.
- The Titans need a wide receiver at No. 30. It looks like maybe they’re talking to Beanie Wells, which wouldn’t make much sense at all. I’ll assume he’s on the phone with Arizona.
- Tennessee takes wide receiver Kenny Britt. That should be a good pick for the Titans; Britt’s a big, possession receiver who should help Kerry Collins. Or Vince Young if he somehow becomes sane between now and September. I assume that means Arizona will take Wells next. Say good night, Edgerrin.
- Herm just told us that Ken Whisenhunt “wants to get back to pounding the football, especially with Arizona.” Luckily for Ken, that’s where he’s coaching.
- Arizona takes Wells. That means the Steelers are on the clock, with middle linebacker Rey Maualuga the highest rated player on the board. The Steelers need offensive line help if they want Ben Roethlisberger to live through the season. They don’t need linebacker help. I won’t be surprised if they take Maualuga here.
- The Steelers take defensive tackle Evander “Ziggy” Hood. It makes sense to call a guy named Evander, “Ziggy”, right? That leaves Maualuga on the board for the Lions at 33. I think the Lions are actually going to have a good draft. I’m scared.

OK. That's it. The entire first round. The Lions didn't take Maualuga, but I think their draft will still be pretty good. I didn't bother proofreading this much because it's so long. The "h" and "y" on my keyboard are screwed up, so there may have been some problems with those in particular.
Anyway, I hope maybe you liked this on some level. I'll try to post some more stuff soon.

The beginning of an era?

Hey everyone,
Since I haven't been doing much with this thing so far, and since I got laid off at the Kamloops Daily News and now have nothing to do, I've decided to try and post something every day. For this week at least.
Below is the editorial I wrote before the federal election in October. It was actually noticed by CBC Radio in Victoria, and I was a guest on "All Points West" to talk about youth voter apathy. I don't know how I did, but my mom and my girlfriend said I did a good job, and I'm sure they weren't biased in any way.
Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think. I'll be back tomorrow with another post, which will (hopefully) be longer and more interesting than this one.

Omega Editorial #9 - Oct. 1, 2008

EXERCISING YOUR RIGHT NOT TO VOTE
I have some news that apparently many of you may find very shocking:
There’s a federal election coming soon.
OK. Calm down. There’s plenty of information in this week’s issue to get you prepared.
We’ve got an article about how to register to vote. We also have a couple of useful ads from Elections Canada.
So those of you who want to vote should be able to figure it out with the help of this issue.
But I’m not so worried about those of you who are planning to vote.
My problem is with the (seemingly large) percentage of you who are planning not to vote.
When Percy went around campus this week asking people about the important issues, he got a frighteningly large number of people telling him that they don’t pay attention to the election, or that they just don’t care about politics.
I can understand not caring much about politics. Believe me, for the better part of my life I pay very little attention to politics. But once every few years, I make sure to get informed so that I can help choose my country’s next leader.
It’s not hard to do. We’re inundated with information (of varying degrees of usefulness) around election time. All you have to do is turn on the T.V. (Or pick up The Omega.)
I figure if you’re willing to not vote, or to “exercise your right NOT to vote” as some people so self-righteously put it, you’re giving up your right to complain.
And I don’t just mean you’re giving up your right to complain about who the new prime minister is, or your right to complain about which party forms the new government.
I’m saying that when you choose not to vote, you give up your right to complain about basically anything that happens in Canada.
Tuition too high? Should’ve voted.
Gas prices sky-rocketing? Too bad.
Lost your job? Can’t find affordable housing? Sick of all this crazy weather? Gee, I wish I could help you.
The one constant with all these problems, and with basically everything that goes on in our lives, is that the government has some control over them in one way or another.
If you don’t vote, you’re essentially telling everyone that you don’t care what direction this country takes.
I don’t have a problem with that. Not caring is your right.
Just don’t come crying to the rest of us when you don’t like the way things turn out.
Make a difference: VOTE!

Mr. Advice Guy #18 - Sept. 24, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
My boss thinks he’s amazingly attractive and hits on all the female staff, even though he stinks like coffee and cheap cigarettes. How should I tell him where to go and how to get there without getting canned?
Awkward Employee

Dear Awkward,
If only he smelled of alcohol and expensive cigarettes, am I right? Ahhh...the enchanting aroma of expensive cigarettes. Few women can fight it’s irresistible magnetism. But I digress.
If you continue to use middle-aged woman slang like “where to go and how to get there” or “getting canned”, the problem will most likely take care of itself. I can only assume that your boss isn’t really into making a pass at someone who sounds like his mom.
If that doesn’t work, move on to plan B: make yourself as unattractive as possible.
You know how usually you shower before you go to work? Stop that immediately. In fact, stop showering all together.
And you can forget about brushing your teeth. As they say, fresh breath is the devil’s playground.
Watch the way you dress, too. Whatever your work uniform might be, leave it in your closet. Instead, show up to your workplace in baggy sweatshirts, ill-fitting sweatpants and slippers. You know how some girls think they look comfy and cute in sweatpants and a sweatshirt? They’re wrong.
Follow my advice and it should keep away your creepy boss and other “Johnny-come-lately’s”, or whatever you and your knitting circle would call them.

Omega Editorial #9 - Sept. 24, 2008

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
As you may or (more likely) may not have noticed, I’ve changed my name.
OK, the change from “Dave” to “David” isn’t exactly huge, but it’s a decision that I’ve been wrestling with for some time.
And I don’t expect people to begin calling me David in social situations. My friends know me as Dave, and that’s how I hope to continue to be known when I’m out in public.
This change is meant to only impact my writing. My by-line will now read “David Ford”.
I just feel like “Dave Ford” is really bland and ordinary. (I mean the name, not the person.)
It’s only two syllables. It’s a mere eight letters. It doesn’t stand out in a crowd, particularly when that crowd includes a guy with an acute accent in his name. (That’s right, Hébert, I’m talking to you.)
I know “David Ford” doesn’t exactly set the world on fire, either. But I have to do the best with what God (or my parents) gave me. All I can do is try to be the best Dave or David I can be.
I’ve been told in the past that I should throw my middle name into the equation, too. A former prof of mine told me that David Andrew Ford has a nice ring to it.
That’s all well and good, but it also seems a little bit pompous. It seems like I’m trying too hard to sound like a “real writer”. Or maybe I just don’t feel like I can live up to my full name’s lofty expectations.
Either way, for now I’m sticking with David Ford. Somehow it sounds just a bit more professional without being too overbearing.
Plus, it’ll make my mom happy. She hates that people call me Dave.
A rose by any other name

Mr. Advice Guy #17 - Sept. 17, 2008

Dear Advice Guy,
My professor is a real jerk. I’m worried that he’s going to grade me unfairly, because he’s old and bitter. I need to maintain by GPA and I can’t drop the class. What should I do?
Grad School Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,
First of all, let me get something off my chest.
I’ve been told that last week’s column “wasn’t very funny” and that it “seemed too much like real advice”.
Hey, they can’t all be gems, people. Even Mr. Advice Guy has an off week. God forbid I dispense some actual advice here.
Anyway, back to your problem.
I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all had at least one professor in our scholastic careers that we haven’t gotten along with. I’m sure it’s hard to imagine, but even your beloved Mr. Advice Guy has been the object of some scorn from a number of instructors in the past.
I’ve tried a bunch of different things to try to get along with said profs. I’ve tried charming them, I’ve tried sucking up to them and I’ve even tried bribing them. But only one method seemed to have much effect: pure, unadulterated avoidance.
No prof on this (or any other) campus is here because he/she actually hates students and wants to fail them.
That said, even your own mother can get sick of you sometimes. Or maybe that’s just my mother.
So try to avoid your prof at all costs. Show up for class only as much as is absolutely necessary. Don’t stop by his office for anything, no matter how important. And definitely don’t try to bribe him.

Omega Editorial #8 - Sept. 17, 2008

I HAVE A PROBLEM
Hi. I’m Dave and I’m addicted to sports gambling.
OK, maybe not sports gambling. It’s more like I’m addicted to football gambling.
And by football, I mean the NFL. The CFL can hardly be considered football.
My addiction started innocently enough. One fall, some friends and I decided to try doing a “football pool”, similar to the hockey pool that had already become a regular October occurrence.
We had no money on the line (thankfully, since the rules were set up terribly), but just that initial taste left me hungry for more.
I’ve played fantasy football on and off since then. But I never play for money, so I don’t really consider that a problem. Though it does take up roughly half my waking hours as I scour the waiver wire and free agent list, desperately looking to improve my (rather abysmal) team.
My addiction became a problem a few years ago when I was living in Calgary. My roommate and I began buying weekly Sports Action tickets every Sunday morning.
If I thought I loved watching football before gambling, oh baby! Gambling made the games 100 times better. Now, not only was I glued to the TV for Buccaneers games, I loved watching every game. It was as if my life (or, more accurately, my rent) was on the line every weekend.
But I’m happy to report that I’ve conquered my problem.
Sure, I still gamble on football. I have two fantasy teams this year (Go Flux Capacitors!) and I still buy my tickets every weekend.
But last weekend I won $100. If that’s not a victory, I don’t know what is.
Wish me luck

Mr. Advice Guy #16 - Sept. 10, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
My new roommate is a total slob who doesn’t pick up after herself. She leaves clothes, food and books all over our apartment. I need to have a clean house or I can’t concentrate. I’m worried it’s going to get worse as the semester goes on. How do I get her to clean up her act?
Living in a garbage dump

Dear Living,
I feel your pain.
I too have lived with my share of roommates who have refused to clean up after themselves.
Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to loosen up.
I know it can be a pain to come home to a messy house all the time. And I know it’s frustrating to feel like you’re the only one cleaning up around the apartment. But you’ve got to understand that some people just aren’t worried about that kind of thing.
If you let your roommate’s messiness get to you too much, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.
So sit back and relax. Let your backpack fall haphazardly to the floor when you get home from class. Throw caution to the wind and leave your clothes on the bedroom floor at the end of the day.
Believe me. You’ll feel a lot better if you stop focusing on the uncleanliness of your house and begin focusing instead on more important things.
Of course, you could just throw all your roommate’s belongings on the front lawn while she’s at class tomorrow. That way you can get rid of her and her piles of unwashed clothes and dirty dishes. Then you can live in pristine bliss.
What I’m trying to say is, you have options.

Omega Editorial #7 - Sept. 10, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME?
I have some terrible news to pass along to all of you: I recently had a birthday.
I know for some of you birthdays are probably still joyous affairs where you gather with a group of friends and take part in fun activities involving alcohol and ice cream cake, but I’m now at an age where I fear my birthday like the plague.
On the bright side, I turned 29 this year. (Yes, I’m actually that old.) 29 is kind of hard to hate. It’ll be a year before I need to really be afraid.
It’s the milestone birthdays, the round numbers, that generally make me want to vomit. This birthday wasn’t as bad as some past milestones.
At the time, turning five seemed great. Everyone loves a birthday when they’re that young, right? I particularly liked it because it meant I got to go to school. Would you believe that a young David Ford was actually looking forward to getting homework? I honestly couldn’t wait to have school work to bring home with me! It wasn’t until years later that I realized my feelings as a five-year-old were ugly and wrong.
I still remember turning 10 and hearing my mom cheerfully say, “No more single digits!” Even at my relatively young age I knew that things would never be the same, that things had changed for the worse.
15 passed without much of a hitch, though it did usher in my awkward phase. I don’t think anyone’s experienced an awkward phase to rival mine. I’m still waiting for it to end.
When I turned 20, I felt like I was on top of the world. I had a new girlfriend, I had a decent job (OK, I delivered pizza for Panago, but at the time it was a good job for a struggling student) and had recently started university. I was ready to take on the world.
Then 25 hit. I was in a different city, I didn’t like my job (bussing tables at The Keg), my girlfriend and I were weeks away from breaking up and I was barely attending university. Turning 25 brought wholesale changes for me. If there’s such a thing as a “quarter-life" crisis, I was experiencing one.
But the in-between years are easy. Every birthday since my 25th has been OK. Sure, the celebrations are getting considerably less rowdy, but I’m learning to live with that.
As I turn 29, I’m dating the greatest girl of my dating career. I’ll finish my degree this year, which is no small accomplishment for me. And I’ve got a job that will help propel me forward in my career.
But will all that be enough to get me through my next birthday?
I'll just stay 29 forever

Mr. Advice Guy #15 - Sept. 3, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
This is my first week of university. I’ve moved here from a small town up north and I don’t know anyone. Do you have any good ideas on how to meet new friends?
Alone and Scared at TRU

Dear Alone,
The best advice I can give you has already been mentioned by my fearless (and handsome) editor: get involved!
Go out and join one of TRU’s many clubs. I’m sure there’s got to be something that you’d be interested in.
If you’re not into clubs, why not try out for one of our dozen or so varsity athletics teams? Sure, you may not make the team, but you’ll meet people with similar interests who may take you on as a groupie.
If you’re not the athletic type, try the drama department. There are a number of plays every year, and those plays need actors. If you aren’t the kind of person who enjoys the limelight, somebody needs to help build sets and set up lighting. And actors need groupies, too.
But the most exciting thing you can do to really get out there and meet new people is to come write for The Omega.
Our editors have spent the summer doing gruelling internships at newspapers around the country, and now they’re ready to sit back and have you do the writing for them. Plus, they’ll provide valuable criticism to help you improve your technique.
Sure, you don’t get paid, but there really is no greater reward than being able to see your story in an actual newspaper.
And we kind of are one of those.

Omega Editorial #6 - Sept. 3, 2008

“WELCOME BACK…
...your dreams are your ticket out.”
I guess that’s as good a way to start as any.
If you’re new to TRU and haven’t read The Omega before, this is how I do it. I like to make relatively obscure references to old TV shows.
The first line of this editorial is a reference to Welcome Back, Kotter, maybe the most under-rated sitcom of all time.
Also if you’re new to TRU and this is your first time reading The Omega, I want to say, “Hi!”
Hopefully you like what we’re doing on some level, and you keep coming back.
We’re hoping to be the place where you turn for any sort of TRU-related news. And hopefully we can keep things reasonably entertaining for you, too.
Now here’s where I start shamelessly begging.
WE NEED YOU!
If you have any desire at all to be involved in the exciting world of campus news, come by and see me.
Believe me, writing for us is a great way to improve your writing skills, to practice your interviewing techniques or to just get out and meet people on campus.
This summer alone, I got the opportunity to annoy a bunch of different people at the university, including former TRU president Roger Barnsley and vice-president of advancement Christopher Séguin.
So come on out and get involved in your student newspaper. Meetings are Tuesday afternoons at 2 p.m., but I’ll be here pretty much everyday. Stop by and see me, and we can discuss ‘80s television.
Good luck this year

Mr. Advice Guy #14 - Aug. 27, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I’ve spent all summer working at my summer job. I need a break. I want to go on one last holiday before I go back to school, but I’m worried that I might not have enough time. Do you have any suggestions?
Ready to Party

Dear Ready,
You want to go on one last holiday now? Talk about leaving things until the last minute.
The best suggestion I can give you with less than a week before classes begin is to start designing some sort of time machine. That way you can go back in time to a week or two ago and actually have a decent vacation.
Or maybe there’s something cooler that you could do with a time machine. I don’t know; I’m not a scientist.
Anyway, let’s get started on that time machine. The first thing you’ll want to do is to go rent the Back to the Future movies.
I know, I know. You probably don’t want to waste what little time you have before Sept. 2 watching movies. But you need to look at the big picture here: in watching these movies, you’ll be doing valuable research. Plus, once you have a time machine you’ll never have to worry about “wasting” time again.
The next thing you’ll want to do (for reasons that will become apparent after you’ve watched the trilogy) is to try and locate a mid-’80s DeLorean. DMC-12. Believe me, this part is crucial. Try to make sure that it’s silver in colour.
After that, it’s a simple matter of “inventing” the flux capacitor. Don’t worry, the plans will be laid out for you in the first movie. This is the most important step. The flux capacitor is what makes time travel possible, after all.

Omega Editorial #5 - Aug. 27, 2008

LIVING OUT MY FANTASIES
I recently took part in a fantasy football draft. This will be my second year as part of a keeper league started by Pete Lucarotti and his friends. You may remember Lucarotti as the guy I hung out with last year to make myself look cool in comparison.
Anyway, there’s no money on the line in this league, which was a good thing for me last year as my “Flying Vandelays” ended up finishing sixth out of 10 teams.
I blame my inexperience for my team’s lack-lustre performance last year. I made some rookie mistakes on draft day and they came back to haunt me once the season started. But I primarily blame Marvin Harrison, who had by far the worst season of his career. Curse you, Harrison!
The low-point of last season came when I lost to Lucarotti in the playoffs. His upstart “Locks of the Week” handled my favoured Vandelays easily. Believe me, that was a hard loss to take.
So I vowed to be better prepared for this year. I kept track of anything NFL-related since some time in June. I printed out lists of expected player draft positions from five different websites. I bought a fantasy football magazine and read it from cover to cover. I made lists of guys I liked and hated at each position.
When draft day finally came, I felt ready. I had my whole draft mapped out, along with a number of contingency plans in case of emergency.
Because it’s a keeper league, each team keeps five players from the year before. I didn’t have a very strong team going into the draft, so I knew I had to nail this.
The first two rounds went exactly according to plan. I managed to draft Santonio Holmes (who I think is going to have a huge year) in the first round, and then take Thomas Jones (running behind a much-improved offensive line) in the second.
That’s when it got ugly.
Lucarotti called me and between talking to him and trying to make my picks, I completely lost control. Suddenly I was taking Jeremy Shockey over Dallas Clark. I reached on the Green Bay defense and waited too long on David Garrard. I actually drafted Tarvaris Jackson as my back-up quarterback.
As I sit here, hoping for injuries to everyone else’s players, I realize my error. I should never have answered the phone when Lucarotti called. I blame him for my failed draft.
I’ll have my revenge. The Flux Capacitors will be victorious over Cornelius Cash in week five.
I’ll just need a big day from Marvin Harrison.
Bring on the season

Mr. Advice Guy #13 - July 30, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
This year will be my last year of university, except I don’t have any plans for what I want to do afterwards. I don’t want to have to start paying full admission prices and paying bills! Should I postpone graduating until I come up with a real plan?
Scared to leave

Dear Scared,
Stop your crying! This should be the happiest time of your life.
I’m sure you’re probably one of these people who haven’t taken any time off from school since you started kindergarten. Now that you’re about to shed the shackles that have held you to your desk for the past 18 years or so, you want to find a way to stay where you are?
Take it from me: school is something that you should finish as quickly as possible. Once you’re done with it, you should get as far away as possible.
Let’s use my scholastic career as an example. I finished my bachelor’s degree as quickly as I possibly could have.
OK, I haven’t actually finished my bachelor’s degree yet. But when I do finish it some time this year, I’ll do it with the satisfaction of knowing that I didn’t waste a single moment of the 11 years it took me to graduate.
And now that I’m coming to the end of the line, I’ve already begun to cut all my ties with TRU and school in general. I barely spend any time at The Omega. It’s not like I’m supposed to be there on a regular basis.
OK, that’s not true. It’s pretty clear that I took a job on campus just so that I wouldn’t have to leave the little comfort zone I’ve established here.
I’m scared of the real world, too.
Hold me...

Omega Editorial #4 - July 30, 2008

TICK, TICK, TICK…
It’s amazing what a difference an hour and a half can make.
Generally we send our little paper to the printer’s at 2 p.m. on Tuesday.
This month, however, due to a mix-up that was entirely our fault at The Omega, we had to squeeze it in at 12:30 p.m.
That hour and a half may not seem like much, but believe me: when you’re facing deadline and desperately trying to bang out an “editor’s note”, that time seems extremely precious.
What I wouldn’t give for another 10 minutes, let alone an hour and a half.
But the worst part isn’t that I’m rushed right now.
The worst part will come in the moments after I’ve sent my little bundle of joy into the Daily News so it can be printed and distributed.
I’ll be on pins and needles for the rest of the day, wondering if I remembered to do everything I need to do so that the paper looks absolutely perfect.
Did I change all the page numbers and the dates? Did I spell everyone’s names right? Did I make sure I look perfect in my Mr. Advice Guy photo? Well, at least some things take care of themselves.
Anyway, here you go. Hot off the press. Hopefully there aren’t too many errors in this thing. If there are, I apologize.
As always, feel free to let me know what you think of this issue. I’d love to get some feedback, even if it’s negative.
And with his heart racing and sweat pouring from his brow, he sends his beloved paper away...
Ready the defibrillator!

Omega Editorial #3 - June 25, 2008

WELCOME TO THE DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
We are officially entering the worst time of year. TV-wise, I mean.
Now that the basketball season has ended (why did I think the Lakers would win? I bought into the Kobe Bryant hype) and hockey’s been over for almost a month, I’ll be counting down the many days until football starts. No, not the CFL. I said football.
Sure, there was a time when I liked the CFL. As a kid it seemed so simple to me. In the CFL they pass more, so it must be better.
I still remember asking my grandad, the only other sports fan in my family, who would win a game between a CFL team and an NFL team. I understand now that it was a silly question, but he didn’t have to point and laugh like that.
So anyway, we now have months of baseball and golf ahead of us. We all know that watching a baseball game on TV is like watching paint dry, but what about golf? It’s certainly gaining popularity, but only old people and fools get excited to watch it.
On that note, be sure to check out Marty Hastings’ column about how golf is the most exciting sport on television (p. 11). I know Marty isn’t an old person, so I guess that only leaves one alternative.
We’ve got a bit of an environmental flavour to this month’s issue. Melissa Rombough has a run-down of what took place in Kamloops during Canadian Environment Week. It’s on page 3.
(Look up and to the right. There you go.)
And Percy Hébert came back from his trip to Mexico and California with some beautiful, heart-breaking photos of how plastic and other garbage in the Pacific Ocean affects marine life.
In fact, Percy took the lion’s share of the photos in this issue. I’ve had to credit him so often that I’ll never forget how to put an acute accent (´) over an “e” for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately Mr. Advice Guy wasn’t able to submit anything this month. He’s been really busy with his new job, but he promises to get something in next month’s issue.
Send him your questions and give him some material. I’m tired of listening to him whine about how no one ever sends him anything.
To help take the sting out of the absence of an advice column, I’ve brought back the “sports history” column that Lucarotti and I used to do. I’ve tried to highlight the most important events from July, but it’s a little bit daunting to do an entire month at once. Sorry if I missed anything.
Let me know what you think of the “sports history” column. If people are enjoying it, I’ll make sure to keep it up. So check it out and give me some feedback. Just watch out when you get to July 1, 1996. That’s the day that the worst event in the history of professional sports took place.
We’ve also got a short story for you this month. Or at least we have the first half of a short story. I’d love to get some feedback about whether or not you like the idea of a fiction section. And if you have anything you’d like to see published there, send it to me.
Now I guess I have to sign off again. I’m still not completely comfortable doing this. My “seeya” last month just didn’t feel right.
Brian Huntley, the author of this month’s short story, assures me that I can get away with “cheers”. I’ve never been much of a “cheers” guy, but I’m willing to try anything once.
Cheers

Mr. Advice Guy #12 - May 28, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
At the end of August, I will be crossing the pond for a year of studying abroad in France. Do you have any tips on how I could use my "Canadian charm" to win over those French boys? Because I really am going to need someone to translate all my papers into French for me.
Last of all, I'd like to thank you for helping me to procrastinate. I really should be studying for my finals.
Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned,
Ah, the French. If late night talk show hosts have taught me anything (and I’d like to think they have), there are some things you should expect from the French: they eat nothing but wine and cheese, they smell bad and you could probably take over the entire country with nothing but a pointy stick and a handful of gravel. Also, you may want to stop shaving your armpits and legs.
Since you need them to help you with your papers, I’ll assume you don’t want to take over their country.
Probably the first thing you’ll want to do is to get at least a rudimentary grasp on their language. Failing that, pronounce all your short “i” sounds as “ee” and your “th” sounds as “zz”. Also, all verbs should end in the traditional “ay”.
For example: “Can you help-ay me weeth zee homework?”
If that doesn’t work, put out. Easy girls speak a language understood the whole world ’round.

Omega Editorial #2 - May 28, 2008

WELCOME TO THE DAVE SHOW
This is officially the first paper of my reign as editor-in-chief of The Omega. Please, hold your applause.
I instituted very few changes in this first issue.
We’re trying a classifieds section (p. 9). It’s really small right now, but if you have anything you want to get rid of, let us know. Hopefully the section will grow over the summer.
That’s really the only new addition in this month’s content. My reasoning is, “If it ain’t broke, etc.”
And of course we hired a completely new crop of wide-eyed young go-getters to fill our various editor positions. I can’t wait to break their collective spirit.
Check out their stuff this month. If you don’t find it to be of the highest quality, let me know. I’ll make sure they’re punished. Severely.
Getting rid of the various scoundrels and vagrants that constituted last year’s group of editors was something that I’d been looking forward to for months now. Now I just have to air the place out. It literally reeks of failure.
I’m kidding, of course. I loved all of my co-workers last year and most of them have gone on to bigger and better things.
Pete Lucarotti is now living in the bustling metropolis of Grande Prairie, AB. Alexis is in the process of moving to Edmonton, and Ben will be doing the same at the end of the summer. Who knew northern Alberta was such a hot spot?
Landon’s still around, working some incredibly high-paying job on campus. He even helped me with the sports section this month. What a guy! And he’s single, ladies.
All I have left to do is to figure out how to sign off at the end of these “editor’s notes”.
Jen went with “Ta”, which is OK for her, but it’s just not my style. It seems a little effeminate, and despite what Lucarotti might tell you, I’m all man.
This is honestly the question that has been plaguing me all month. What do I say? “Bye” is too obvious, and I’m not one of those guys who can get away with “Ciao” or “Cheers”.
I guess I’ll try a different one each week and see how each one fits. Kind of like how I handle the ladies...
Seeya

For those of you growing tired of Mr. Advice Guy (as if that were possible)

Hey,
We've finally come to a point where I have something other than Mr. Advice Guy to share with you.
The post titled "Editorial #1" is just that. It's the first editorial I wrote for The Omega. As for the post directly below this one, it's a story I wrote for The Omega's April Fool's issue last year. Anyway...

Mr. Advice Guy #10) I can't remember who sent me this letter. I thought it might be Myrissa, but she's unsure.
Anyway, moving back in with my parents is indeed something with which I have way too much experience. My parents have always been good about it, though. Or at least, they always act like they're OK with it, which is all I really need.

Editorial #1) This issue of The Omega was my "training issue". I laid it out and acted like I was editor-in-chief, even though I hadn't taken over yet.
This one really speaks for itself.

Mr. Advice Guy #11) As this installment says, I wrote this letter myself.
In my defence, I was honestly wondering if anyone other than my friends was reading the column. I also was worried that I might not have enough time to keep doing it once I took over the paper full-time.
If you're wondering, this desperate plea got me two responses. I'm not sure which is sadder, the fact that I got so few responses or the fact that so few responses were all I needed to keep going.

April Fool's article - I threw this one in now because I forgot to earlier, and because it had been so long since I wrote anything. I can't let my (two? three?) readers down.
For The Omega's April Fool's issue, we all wrote spoof articles. The NCAA had recently decided to entertain the idea of allowing Canadian university teams into Division-II athletics. Also, TRU was trying to drum up excitement for the "improvement" in the men's basketball team.
I really like the idea behind this one, but I'm less excited about the execution.
By the way, the article's premise is clearly faulty as the men's basketball team has only two wins with two games remaining this season. Shocking, I know.
More soon...

WolfPack to move to NCAA - April 2, 2008

WolfPack to move to NCAA
After tripling its win total from a year ago, the WolfPack men’s basketball team is ready to take the next logical step.
Building on the success of their 3-20 season, the WolfPack will be applying for membership in the NCAA. NCAA Division II paved the way for Canadian schools to seek Division-II membership when it approved a 10-year pilot program at the 2008 NCAA Convention in Nashville, on January 14.
“After the success [the team] had this year, it just makes sense,” said George Aramide, a forward with the team. “We’ve shown what we can do in the CIS. I think we’re ready for the next challenge.”
The 2007-08 season marked the WolfPack’s second year in the Canada West division of the CIS. The team saw its win total rocket from one to three in its sophomore campaign.
“Obviously, as a coach you’re looking for improvement every year,” said assistant coach Sean Garvey. “But I don’t think anyone expected this kind of improvement.”
The WolfPack’s wins this year included a victory against Simon Fraser and two wins over Trinity Western. One of the wins against Trinity Western came thanks to a forfeit by the Spartans.
Garvey suggested that if the WolfPack’s growth continues at its current rate, the team will soon be in need of stronger competition.
“At this rate, we’re going to finish 9-14 next year. The year after, we’ll be 23-0. Do the math,” Garvey said. “All you have to do is multiply by three after every season. By [2009- 10] we’ll be perfect, with eight or nine teams forfeiting against us.”
Canadian institutions will be able to apply for membership to Division II on June 1 of this year. Any school that applies by June 1 may be eligible to begin the process of joining Division II by September 2008.
Garvey said that TRU will be looking to be a part of the initial group of Canadian schools to enter the NCAA.
“Instead of waiting until we’re completely dominant in the CIS, we’re looking to make the move as soon as possible,” he said.
Though there is currently no process for a Canadian team to join Division I in the NCAA, Garvey said he expects to see the WolfPack there sooner than later.
“In a couple years, I wouldn’t rule out a trip to the March Madness tournament,” he said.

Mr. Advice Guy #11 - April 16, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
Every week I live for one thing: reading Mr. Advice Guy’s column in The Omega. I’m worried that now that you’re going to be the editor-in-chief, you won’t have time to dispense hilarious, insightful advice every week. Please tell me that you can somehow find the time to keep this going. I can’t get through Wednesdays without it.
Full of Uncertainty

Dear Full,
You wouldn’t believe how often I’ve had someone say this to me in the past few weeks...
OK, this is the first time. And this letter isn’t even real. I wrote it myself. Sigh!
Look. I’ll level with you people. I’ve only received about three real letters from anyone since I started this thing, and those were all from friends who I practically had to beg. I’ve had people tell me that they enjoy reading the advice, but no one seems willing to write in.
Now that I’m editor-in-chief, I’m responsible for putting together the paper. I’m going to have a lot on my plate. OK, maybe not a lot. But more than usual.
So here’s the deal. If you read this column and enjoy it on some level, let me know. I’m more than willing to keep it going, but only if it’s actually worth the effort.
Send me your letters. Ask me your questions. They don’t have to be serious, but they also don’t have to be funny.
Theoretically, you can leave the funny stuff to me.

Omega Editorial #1 - April 16, 2008

ONE DOWN, APPROXIMATELY 30 TO GO…
It took a year but I’ve finally managed to claw my way to the top, all the way to the prestigious position of editor-in-chief at a small campus newspaper.
Technically Jen’s still in charge until I officially take over on May 1, but we’ve essentially entered the Dave Ford Era.
I laid out most of this paper (with Jen’s help) and I get to attend my first publishing board meeting at the end of this month. Middle management, here I come!
I assume you probably saw the ad last issue, but just in case you didn’t, I’ll say it again: I need section editors for next year.
Sure, the title of section editor may not seem like much right now, but let’s look at where some former section editors are now.
Jen Robertson was the sports editor two years ago before she moved into the editor-in-chief position.
And now that she’s finished with that, she’s moving on to... Well, I’m sure she’ll find a great job somewhere.
I started as the sports editor this year before moving into the exciting world of copy editing. Now look at me. I’m on top of the (Omega) world.
Section editors get compensation (can you say $50 a week and free pizza?), so think about it and send me an e-mail. It never hurts to check it out.
If section editor seems like too much responsibility, you can be a contributor. The Omega is printed with the blood, sweat and tears of its contributors. Literally. It makes a really cheap ink.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to a great year and I’m excited to get started. The first all-Dave issue of The Omega will hit the newsstands on May 28. Hopefully I can pull something together in the next six weeks.
Since I still have some space, I just want to take a minute to thank Jen for the great job she did this year. Leading this group of misfits couldn’t have been easy, but somehow she did it. I only hope I can keep it together half as well as she did.
Good luck Jen! Make sure to stop by and laugh when I’m pulling my hair out on deadline days next year!

Mr. Advice Guy #10 - April 9, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I’m leaving Kamloops next week and I’m heading home for the summer. The thought is both depressing and a blessing. I am broke, but I really don’t want to live with my parents again. Do you have any survival tips for “adults” returning home?
Scared of being sMothered

Dear Scared,
You’re in luck! Moving back in with my parents is something that I have a lot of experience with.
For me, though, it’s never been about moving back because school’s done. I’m always the guy running out of money, breaking up with girls or dropping out of school. Believe me, nothing says, “I love you, Mom” like calling to say you need to move home because you failed your classes.
Anyway, my advice is to go home, suck up a bit at the beginning of your stay and then weather the storm for the rest of the summer.
One thing that will help your cause greatly is if you make sure to take the bedroom furthest from your parents’. That will help with coming home late at night, with or without a companion.
Also, make sure that you keep any extravagant purchases you make hidden from your parents.
Nothing angers parents more than having a child live at home for free but somehow come up with the money for a new iPod.
Above all else, be courteous. Let them know if you’re not going to be home for supper. Help out around the house. Little things like that will help ensure that you have a place to crash when you drop out next year.

And the pattern continues...

As I write this, I'm watching Back to the Future. With the commentary on. That's just how I roll.
Did you know Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly? You do now. Thanks, DVD commentary!
I just got to the part where the black band members are all hot-boxing a car. The producers didn't comment on it, which is really a shame. That's the kind of racism that shouldn't go un-noted.
Anyway, on to the advice.
P.S. Letter #5 was sent in by Travis Trudeau. He did a humour column for The Omega, too.

#7) I actually like all three of these quite a bit. I feel like this one's just funny enough to make the fact that I'm comparing Jesus to a cartoon villain almost bearable. Almost.
I kind of feel like the Dr. Claw comparison is too forced, but I think it works on some level.

#8) In case anyone thought Mr. Advice Guy was actually taking this even a little bit seriously, this is the letter that makes it clear that it's all a joke.
I kind of feel like I should withhold the name of the person who wrote this letter, in case she actually had a problem. I'll just say that, unfortunately for her male friends, she didn't take Mr. Advice Guy's advice. At least as far as I know.
And the Yaris thing at the bottom refers to the fact that for three or four consecutive weeks, Mr. Advice Guy appeared beside a full-page Toyota Yaris ad. I really like the Yaris, so I was hoping maybe Toyota would offer me a free car for all my hard work. Surprisingly, they did not.

#9) This letter was, sadly, written by me. It's my first attempt to let people know that I needed them to actually send me letters. It's really annoying to have to force my friends into writing letters for me. Annoying for them, I mean.
Anyway, my shrewd attempt at drumming up letters didn't work. The fight for letters continues to this day.

Mr. Advice Guy #9 - April 2, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
As a fellow veteran of the advice-giving industry, I find myself in need of some advice. I figured there was no one better to turn to. I have a few questions. How do you come up with good advice every week? How do you keep your column fresh? Don’t you find it hard to keep giving people advice when you don’t get to hear whether or not your advice helped at all? And how do you ensure a steady flow of interesting letters?
Dear Abby

Dear Dear Abby,
Wow, those are some tough questions. Let’s see if I can handle them all.
First of all, when you’ve been in the game as long as I have, giving advice is like breathing. It’s not a matter of coming up with good advice. I simply react to each question the only way I know how.
As far as keeping my column fresh, I have a fairly simple routine I follow. I come up with an ‘80s or ‘90s reference of some kind, be it to a movie, a TV show or a song, and then I work from there.
The kids love outdated references.
I can only assume that my advice is helping people. If you don’t have confidence in your advice, you’re in the wrong business.
You got me with the last one. This has been by far the hardest part of the column for me. At least you have an entire continent to draw letters from. I only have one little campus.

Mr. Advice Guy #8 - March 26, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I was drinking last night with some friends and one of them made a move on me as soon as we were alone. It made me very uncomfortable because I don’t like him that way, but I don’t want to ruin the friendship. Should I fool around with him just to keep him as a friend?
Violated Friend

Dear Violated Friend,
Wow! This actually seems like a serious question. I have to call upon all of my powers to answer this in the best way possible.
Should you fool around with him? In a word, yes.
I know that might not seem like a great idea, but hear me out.
Just think of how popular you’ll be if word gets out that you fool around with your friends, whether you’re attracted to them or not. You’ll have guys lined up around the block waiting for the chance to become your friend.
And maybe when other girls see how many new friends you have, they’ll try your tactic. Just think of what that would do for the morale here on campus. Everyone would be in a fantastic mood. All the guys would, anyway.
I really can’t see any reason why you wouldn’t fool around with the guy. It’s the kind of situation where everyone wins.
Go give him a call right now.
And I don’t want to hear any complaining. It’s for the greater good.
(By the way, why am I always located beside this Yaris ad? Should I call Toyota and demand a royalty cheque?)

Mr. Advice Guy #7 - March 19, 2008

Hey Mr. Advice Guy,
Does the Easter Bunny really exist? Did a bunny with a basket of chocolate head into the tomb with Jesus? And if I don’t receive chocolate at Easter does that mean nobody loves me?

Dear whoever you are,
Of course it doesn’t mean nobody loves you. Mr. Advice Guy loves everyone who writes in with a problem.
It may not mean nobody loves you, but I think it clearly means Jesus doesn’t love you.
You see, people like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and (to a lesser extent) the Pope are Jesus’s representatives here on Earth. They’re forced to do his bidding while he looks down from a golden spaceship in the sky. Believe me, it’s in the Bible. Somewhere near the back, I think.
It might help to think of Jesus as a sort of benevolent Dr. Claw. The Easter Bunny and his friends are like MAD agents that Jesus sends out to get things done. Of course, they’re much more competent than the bumbling idiots that the real Dr. Claw employs.
The fact of the matter is, if the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring you chocolate it isn’t because he was unable to or he forgot. He spends all year waiting for this weekend. Believe me, he gets the job done. So the only reasonable explanation is that he’s been told not to deliver chocolate to you by his boss, Jesus. And the only reason Jesus would decide that is if he doesn’t love you.
That’s flawless logic.

The next three...

Hey,
Here are the next three installments of Mr. Advice Guy. (By here, I mean below.) There isn't one for Feb. 20 because that was the week of reading break.
By the way, I've obviously chosen a really plain design for this thing. If you have any suggestions for how I could change it, tell me.
Anyway, check these out and let me know what you think. Seriously, I want feedback, positive or negative:

#4) This letter was written by Jen Robertson, which won't be at all surprising to anyone who knows Jen.
This is a letter with which I kind of wish I had done more. Almost without fail, I wrote the column in the last half-hour or so before the paper had to go to print. So when I look at a lot of these, I see things that I would have done differently if I had spent more time on them.
Also, I apparently really like the word "struggle" in this one.

#5) This might actually be my favourite Mr. Advice Guy. I can't remember who sent me this letter, but I'm sure it was an Omega employee.
And I really have read a lot of Archie comics in my life. I'm not sure what that says about me.

#6) This is another installment about which I'm not overly excited.
The letter was submitted by Braden Dougherty, whose name I may be spelling incorrectly. Braden wrote some sort of technology column for The Omega last year.
I don't know what else to tell you. I like the start of this one, but it kind of loses steam at the end. Mr. Advice Guy has always been one of two things at The Omega that has a strict space limit, and thus a strict word count. This is one of many installments that ends really abruptly because I've run out of space.

Mr. Advice Guy #6 - March 12, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
With the approaching job fair and my desperate need for booze money, I need to know how to win over potential employers. Please help me.
A sober student

Dear Sober Student,
To paraphrase Dr. Nick, there are many options available for dangerously sober individuals such as yourself.
I’ll try to answer this question without stealing any of the tips that Travis Trudeau offered a couple weeks ago in his ‘award-winning’ column, “Mastering the job interview”. I assume you read it.
A job fair is an interesting setup for a prospective employee.
You’ll be in a place full of people vying for your attention. They’ll all want to attract you, to get you to come over and spend some time with them.
It’ll be like the time I went to that girls’ dormitory. Boy, was that ever a sexy adventure…
But I digress.
In a situation like yours, where you need to start drinking as soon as possible, you should look to save time wherever possible.
Approach only those employers who look particularly desperate. You can’t waste your time with anyone who might have options here. Pretend it’s last call at the bar and you just need anyone to come home with you.
When you talk to these people, don’t bother talking dollars and cents. Converting that to beer will only consume more valuable time. Cut to the chase: “How much beer per hour does this job pay?” They’ll know you mean business.
Let me know when you get that beer.

Mr. Advice Guy #5 - March 5, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
What’s the deal with dating? I am sad and alone and nobody seems to be in a hurry to enter my life, so at this point I’m seriously considering it.

Dear mysterious stranger,
First of all, I hope by ‘it’ you mean ‘dating’, because if you mean ‘suicide’ you clearly need the kind of help Mr. Advice Guy can’t provide. There are some things even I’m not qualified to deal with.
Anyway, dating is a topic I am very familiar with.
No, I’ve never actually been on a ‘date’, per se. But I’ve read many Archie comics, and their plots deal almost exclusively with dating. Here are some tips I’ve picked up:
1. When you take your date to the local soda shoppe, order one soda and two straws. You’re welcome.
2. Borrow your parents’ car. No one wants to be seen in your hideous jalopy.
3. Never make a date with two girls for the same place and the same night. I can’t stress this point enough. I know it seems like maybe you can run back and forth between the two girls without having them notice, but it won’t work. Even with Jughead’s help.
4. Choose the blonde who loves you over the rich brunette who doesn’t respect you. They look identical, but the blonde’s a lot nicer. How much does a brown wig cost? Plus, I’m pretty sure she puts out.
I hope that helps. If you ever need advice on avoiding detention or raising money to go to prom, let me know.

Mr. Advice Guy #4 - Feb. 27, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I have an addictive personality. I cannot get myself off the Internet and I desperately need to do my school work. I recently discovered a whole list of TV Links alternatives and now I find myself hopelessly hooked to an endless supply of television shows from the good, the bad and the ugly. I now watch more TV online then I ever did from the actual television. It is all so extremely addictive. How do I possibly wean myself from the Internet when I have to be on it to do my school work?
TV Shacked Up

Dear TV Shacked Up,
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that TRU doesn’t offer any television analysis courses. The good news is that if you’re watching a lot of TV, particularly anything that aired from 1985-99, you’re well equipped to enjoy (or at least to understand) the jokes I make in my columns.
Maybe we can get you addicted to Mr. Advice Guy instead of TV.
Maybe not.
Honestly, this is something that I struggle with, too. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer writing for my courses, and I struggle with the temptation to goof off.
I’ve had to set up a reward system for myself. After I’m done a story (or a paragraph or whatever), I reward myself with some “goof-off time”. After a bit of that, it’s back to work.
Give it a shot. This way you can get your work done and still enjoy those reruns of “Small Wonder”.

The birth of Mr. Advice Guy

Hey,
Below are the first three installments of Mr. Advice Guy. It's a sort of humour column I've been writing the past year or so for my campus newspaper, The Omega (www.theomega.ca).
I've got a bunch more, and I'll put them up over the next little while. Most of you probably know the idea behind these, but in case you don't:

#1) Mr. Advice Guy came about when Jen Robertson, the editor of The Omega at the time, came up with the idea of doing an advice column. I decided it would be easy to do a humourous advice column, and I wanted a way to get some funny stuff into the paper, so away we went.
This first one starts a recurring trend for Mr. Advice Guy: essentially all the letters I used came from friends and other Omega staff members. It's still the same today. I basically have to force people to send me letters.
Anyway, the first letter was submitted anonymously by Landon Moskowec, the sports editor at the time. I don't remember ever exchanging glances with him in the elevator, but who knows?

#2) The second letter was written by Melissa Vasey. Melissa was my classmate at the time, and now she's one of the editors-in-chief at The Omega.
This installment marks the start of yet another Mr.-Advice-Guy theme. As 90 per cent of my humour is based on TV, I tend to reference it a lot. This is particularly true of shows from the '80s and '90s.

#3) My girlfriend Myrissa and her sister Alyissa (pronounced Alicia; don't ask me) wrote this letter. It's a very thinly veiled shot at our roommate at the time, Pete Lucarotti.
Pete's a good friend of mine and is currently writing for the Grande Prairie Daily Herald Tribune, the newspaper with the ridiculously long name. He's a good guy, but he tends to dress like a 10-year-old boy.

So those are the first three Mr. Advice Guys. Please let me know what you think. More to come soon...

Mr. Advice Guy #3 - Feb. 13, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
One of our roommates has an unhealthy obsession with sharks. It’s gotten so bad that he even has clothing resembling the fish. He’s even named his mittens. Let’s call them “Carol” and “Willis.” He never goes anywhere without taking “Carol” and “Willis” with him. We’re so embarrassed that we don’t want to be seen with him. How do we let him know that this “relationship” with his mittens is unhealthy? Do we need to stage an intervention?
The Anti-Sharks

Dear Anti-Sharks,
It sounds like your roommate may be Tom Hanks from the movie Big. Does he also hang around a young boy and play “Chopsticks” on a giant piano?
I think the best thing to do would be to get him to the nearest Zoltar machine and get him to wish himself back to being a kid. Unfortunately I don’t know of any empty fairgrounds around Kamloops.
It’s clear that this guy needs to grow up, fashion-wise at least. Any adult who walks around with woolen sharks on his hands has a serious Peter Pan complex. And don’t even get me started on the fact that he named them. I just hope that the names aren’t as lame as the examples you gave me.
You’re probably going to have to take this “boy wonder” shopping and help him pick out some big-boy clothes. I’m sure he could use a complete wardrobe overhaul. That means getting rid of the torn jeans, the super-hero T-shirts and the sneakers. Believe me, it’s for his own good.

Mr. Advice Guy #2 - Feb. 7, 2008

Dear Advice Guy,
My cat will not leave me alone. He insists on being pet constantly. My school work is starting to suffer, because I don’t have time for anything but him. Please help! What should I do?
Overly Loved

Dear Overly Loved,
I just have one question: Who’s the pet and who’s the
owner here?
This is clearly a case of a cat who, much like Tony Danza, doesn’t understand who the boss is. Only it seems like this case isn’t leading to nearly as much wacky comedy (and hopefully nowhere near as much sexual tension) as the trials and tribulations of Tony and Angela did for so many years.
I think what you need to do with your cat is to establish your dominance. That way, when you tell him to go away, he’ll know you mean business.
Here’s what to do. Grab a pen, I’ll wait.
First, stare him down. This might take a while. He’ll probably act like it isn’t bothering him and he might even nonchalantly walk away, but keep at it. Two to three hours ought to do it.
Next, spend a week or two really getting in your cat’s face.
Call him a punk. Put a “kick me” sign on his back and throw him outside amongst other neighbourhood cats. Trip him when he walks by. Really throw your weight around. Remember those bullies in high school? Be like them.
If all else fails, beat the crap out of him. He’ll get the picture.

Mr. Advice Guy #1 - Jan. 30, 2008

Dear Advice Guy,
On a recent trip to a work-related conference, I have fallen in love with a co-worker (let’s call him DF). He is charming, handsome, intelligent, sophisticated, and funny. The problem is, he is currently seeing someone else. Yet, however, on the trip there were definite sparks between us. We would exhange glances in the elevators and hallways, and at seminars. How do I approach him about our unspoken chemistry? I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
Sincerely,
Enamoured Editor

Dear Enamoured Editor,
Wow, that’s a tough one. Guys like DF only come around once in a lifetime. Believe me, I know the type: ruggedly handsome, boyishly charming and devastatingly sophisticated.
I bet he’s a Winnipeg Jets fan, too.
He may seem like the perfect guy (and probably is), but there’s not much you can do while he’s seeing someone else. He’s probably in love with his girlfriend right now and unwilling to field competing offers.
But it’s important to keep your image in his mind while you wait out his current relationship. Send him expensive gifts for every occasion. Believe me, no man will ever be able to forget the girl who gives him a new iPod for Earth Day. Or how about leaving wads of cash in his jacket pocket when he’s not looking?
Also, if this DF is the kind of guy I think he is, he probably puts a strangely high value on good grammar. Next time you write in, “wow” him with yours. Use “yet” or “however” but never both at the same time. Go ahead and spell “exchange” correctly. You’re going to have to pull out all the stops to snare this catch.

Pre-intro intro

After months of procrastinating, I've finally decided to get off my butt (or on my butt, I guess) and get a blog going.
I don't really know what form this thing will take, but I'll start by posting the things I'm writing for the Kamloops Daily News and The Omega. I'll probably write some other stuff eventually, but I don't want to commit to anything right now.
Anyway, some time soon I'll throw a bunch of stuff up from the last little while, and I plan to write a better intro, but it's 12:30 a.m. and "bedways is rightways now".