Mr. Advice Guy #7 - March 19, 2008

Hey Mr. Advice Guy,
Does the Easter Bunny really exist? Did a bunny with a basket of chocolate head into the tomb with Jesus? And if I don’t receive chocolate at Easter does that mean nobody loves me?

Dear whoever you are,
Of course it doesn’t mean nobody loves you. Mr. Advice Guy loves everyone who writes in with a problem.
It may not mean nobody loves you, but I think it clearly means Jesus doesn’t love you.
You see, people like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and (to a lesser extent) the Pope are Jesus’s representatives here on Earth. They’re forced to do his bidding while he looks down from a golden spaceship in the sky. Believe me, it’s in the Bible. Somewhere near the back, I think.
It might help to think of Jesus as a sort of benevolent Dr. Claw. The Easter Bunny and his friends are like MAD agents that Jesus sends out to get things done. Of course, they’re much more competent than the bumbling idiots that the real Dr. Claw employs.
The fact of the matter is, if the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring you chocolate it isn’t because he was unable to or he forgot. He spends all year waiting for this weekend. Believe me, he gets the job done. So the only reasonable explanation is that he’s been told not to deliver chocolate to you by his boss, Jesus. And the only reason Jesus would decide that is if he doesn’t love you.
That’s flawless logic.