Mr. Advice Guy #5 - March 5, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
What’s the deal with dating? I am sad and alone and nobody seems to be in a hurry to enter my life, so at this point I’m seriously considering it.

Dear mysterious stranger,
First of all, I hope by ‘it’ you mean ‘dating’, because if you mean ‘suicide’ you clearly need the kind of help Mr. Advice Guy can’t provide. There are some things even I’m not qualified to deal with.
Anyway, dating is a topic I am very familiar with.
No, I’ve never actually been on a ‘date’, per se. But I’ve read many Archie comics, and their plots deal almost exclusively with dating. Here are some tips I’ve picked up:
1. When you take your date to the local soda shoppe, order one soda and two straws. You’re welcome.
2. Borrow your parents’ car. No one wants to be seen in your hideous jalopy.
3. Never make a date with two girls for the same place and the same night. I can’t stress this point enough. I know it seems like maybe you can run back and forth between the two girls without having them notice, but it won’t work. Even with Jughead’s help.
4. Choose the blonde who loves you over the rich brunette who doesn’t respect you. They look identical, but the blonde’s a lot nicer. How much does a brown wig cost? Plus, I’m pretty sure she puts out.
I hope that helps. If you ever need advice on avoiding detention or raising money to go to prom, let me know.