Mr. Advice Guy #11 - April 16, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
Every week I live for one thing: reading Mr. Advice Guy’s column in The Omega. I’m worried that now that you’re going to be the editor-in-chief, you won’t have time to dispense hilarious, insightful advice every week. Please tell me that you can somehow find the time to keep this going. I can’t get through Wednesdays without it.
Full of Uncertainty

Dear Full,
You wouldn’t believe how often I’ve had someone say this to me in the past few weeks...
OK, this is the first time. And this letter isn’t even real. I wrote it myself. Sigh!
Look. I’ll level with you people. I’ve only received about three real letters from anyone since I started this thing, and those were all from friends who I practically had to beg. I’ve had people tell me that they enjoy reading the advice, but no one seems willing to write in.
Now that I’m editor-in-chief, I’m responsible for putting together the paper. I’m going to have a lot on my plate. OK, maybe not a lot. But more than usual.
So here’s the deal. If you read this column and enjoy it on some level, let me know. I’m more than willing to keep it going, but only if it’s actually worth the effort.
Send me your letters. Ask me your questions. They don’t have to be serious, but they also don’t have to be funny.
Theoretically, you can leave the funny stuff to me.

Omega Editorial #1 - April 16, 2008

ONE DOWN, APPROXIMATELY 30 TO GO…
It took a year but I’ve finally managed to claw my way to the top, all the way to the prestigious position of editor-in-chief at a small campus newspaper.
Technically Jen’s still in charge until I officially take over on May 1, but we’ve essentially entered the Dave Ford Era.
I laid out most of this paper (with Jen’s help) and I get to attend my first publishing board meeting at the end of this month. Middle management, here I come!
I assume you probably saw the ad last issue, but just in case you didn’t, I’ll say it again: I need section editors for next year.
Sure, the title of section editor may not seem like much right now, but let’s look at where some former section editors are now.
Jen Robertson was the sports editor two years ago before she moved into the editor-in-chief position.
And now that she’s finished with that, she’s moving on to... Well, I’m sure she’ll find a great job somewhere.
I started as the sports editor this year before moving into the exciting world of copy editing. Now look at me. I’m on top of the (Omega) world.
Section editors get compensation (can you say $50 a week and free pizza?), so think about it and send me an e-mail. It never hurts to check it out.
If section editor seems like too much responsibility, you can be a contributor. The Omega is printed with the blood, sweat and tears of its contributors. Literally. It makes a really cheap ink.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to a great year and I’m excited to get started. The first all-Dave issue of The Omega will hit the newsstands on May 28. Hopefully I can pull something together in the next six weeks.
Since I still have some space, I just want to take a minute to thank Jen for the great job she did this year. Leading this group of misfits couldn’t have been easy, but somehow she did it. I only hope I can keep it together half as well as she did.
Good luck Jen! Make sure to stop by and laugh when I’m pulling my hair out on deadline days next year!

Mr. Advice Guy #10 - April 9, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I’m leaving Kamloops next week and I’m heading home for the summer. The thought is both depressing and a blessing. I am broke, but I really don’t want to live with my parents again. Do you have any survival tips for “adults” returning home?
Scared of being sMothered

Dear Scared,
You’re in luck! Moving back in with my parents is something that I have a lot of experience with.
For me, though, it’s never been about moving back because school’s done. I’m always the guy running out of money, breaking up with girls or dropping out of school. Believe me, nothing says, “I love you, Mom” like calling to say you need to move home because you failed your classes.
Anyway, my advice is to go home, suck up a bit at the beginning of your stay and then weather the storm for the rest of the summer.
One thing that will help your cause greatly is if you make sure to take the bedroom furthest from your parents’. That will help with coming home late at night, with or without a companion.
Also, make sure that you keep any extravagant purchases you make hidden from your parents.
Nothing angers parents more than having a child live at home for free but somehow come up with the money for a new iPod.
Above all else, be courteous. Let them know if you’re not going to be home for supper. Help out around the house. Little things like that will help ensure that you have a place to crash when you drop out next year.

And the pattern continues...

As I write this, I'm watching Back to the Future. With the commentary on. That's just how I roll.
Did you know Eric Stoltz was originally cast as Marty McFly? You do now. Thanks, DVD commentary!
I just got to the part where the black band members are all hot-boxing a car. The producers didn't comment on it, which is really a shame. That's the kind of racism that shouldn't go un-noted.
Anyway, on to the advice.
P.S. Letter #5 was sent in by Travis Trudeau. He did a humour column for The Omega, too.

#7) I actually like all three of these quite a bit. I feel like this one's just funny enough to make the fact that I'm comparing Jesus to a cartoon villain almost bearable. Almost.
I kind of feel like the Dr. Claw comparison is too forced, but I think it works on some level.

#8) In case anyone thought Mr. Advice Guy was actually taking this even a little bit seriously, this is the letter that makes it clear that it's all a joke.
I kind of feel like I should withhold the name of the person who wrote this letter, in case she actually had a problem. I'll just say that, unfortunately for her male friends, she didn't take Mr. Advice Guy's advice. At least as far as I know.
And the Yaris thing at the bottom refers to the fact that for three or four consecutive weeks, Mr. Advice Guy appeared beside a full-page Toyota Yaris ad. I really like the Yaris, so I was hoping maybe Toyota would offer me a free car for all my hard work. Surprisingly, they did not.

#9) This letter was, sadly, written by me. It's my first attempt to let people know that I needed them to actually send me letters. It's really annoying to have to force my friends into writing letters for me. Annoying for them, I mean.
Anyway, my shrewd attempt at drumming up letters didn't work. The fight for letters continues to this day.

Mr. Advice Guy #9 - April 2, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
As a fellow veteran of the advice-giving industry, I find myself in need of some advice. I figured there was no one better to turn to. I have a few questions. How do you come up with good advice every week? How do you keep your column fresh? Don’t you find it hard to keep giving people advice when you don’t get to hear whether or not your advice helped at all? And how do you ensure a steady flow of interesting letters?
Dear Abby

Dear Dear Abby,
Wow, those are some tough questions. Let’s see if I can handle them all.
First of all, when you’ve been in the game as long as I have, giving advice is like breathing. It’s not a matter of coming up with good advice. I simply react to each question the only way I know how.
As far as keeping my column fresh, I have a fairly simple routine I follow. I come up with an ‘80s or ‘90s reference of some kind, be it to a movie, a TV show or a song, and then I work from there.
The kids love outdated references.
I can only assume that my advice is helping people. If you don’t have confidence in your advice, you’re in the wrong business.
You got me with the last one. This has been by far the hardest part of the column for me. At least you have an entire continent to draw letters from. I only have one little campus.

Mr. Advice Guy #8 - March 26, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I was drinking last night with some friends and one of them made a move on me as soon as we were alone. It made me very uncomfortable because I don’t like him that way, but I don’t want to ruin the friendship. Should I fool around with him just to keep him as a friend?
Violated Friend

Dear Violated Friend,
Wow! This actually seems like a serious question. I have to call upon all of my powers to answer this in the best way possible.
Should you fool around with him? In a word, yes.
I know that might not seem like a great idea, but hear me out.
Just think of how popular you’ll be if word gets out that you fool around with your friends, whether you’re attracted to them or not. You’ll have guys lined up around the block waiting for the chance to become your friend.
And maybe when other girls see how many new friends you have, they’ll try your tactic. Just think of what that would do for the morale here on campus. Everyone would be in a fantastic mood. All the guys would, anyway.
I really can’t see any reason why you wouldn’t fool around with the guy. It’s the kind of situation where everyone wins.
Go give him a call right now.
And I don’t want to hear any complaining. It’s for the greater good.
(By the way, why am I always located beside this Yaris ad? Should I call Toyota and demand a royalty cheque?)

Mr. Advice Guy #7 - March 19, 2008

Hey Mr. Advice Guy,
Does the Easter Bunny really exist? Did a bunny with a basket of chocolate head into the tomb with Jesus? And if I don’t receive chocolate at Easter does that mean nobody loves me?

Dear whoever you are,
Of course it doesn’t mean nobody loves you. Mr. Advice Guy loves everyone who writes in with a problem.
It may not mean nobody loves you, but I think it clearly means Jesus doesn’t love you.
You see, people like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and (to a lesser extent) the Pope are Jesus’s representatives here on Earth. They’re forced to do his bidding while he looks down from a golden spaceship in the sky. Believe me, it’s in the Bible. Somewhere near the back, I think.
It might help to think of Jesus as a sort of benevolent Dr. Claw. The Easter Bunny and his friends are like MAD agents that Jesus sends out to get things done. Of course, they’re much more competent than the bumbling idiots that the real Dr. Claw employs.
The fact of the matter is, if the Easter Bunny doesn’t bring you chocolate it isn’t because he was unable to or he forgot. He spends all year waiting for this weekend. Believe me, he gets the job done. So the only reasonable explanation is that he’s been told not to deliver chocolate to you by his boss, Jesus. And the only reason Jesus would decide that is if he doesn’t love you.
That’s flawless logic.

The next three...

Hey,
Here are the next three installments of Mr. Advice Guy. (By here, I mean below.) There isn't one for Feb. 20 because that was the week of reading break.
By the way, I've obviously chosen a really plain design for this thing. If you have any suggestions for how I could change it, tell me.
Anyway, check these out and let me know what you think. Seriously, I want feedback, positive or negative:

#4) This letter was written by Jen Robertson, which won't be at all surprising to anyone who knows Jen.
This is a letter with which I kind of wish I had done more. Almost without fail, I wrote the column in the last half-hour or so before the paper had to go to print. So when I look at a lot of these, I see things that I would have done differently if I had spent more time on them.
Also, I apparently really like the word "struggle" in this one.

#5) This might actually be my favourite Mr. Advice Guy. I can't remember who sent me this letter, but I'm sure it was an Omega employee.
And I really have read a lot of Archie comics in my life. I'm not sure what that says about me.

#6) This is another installment about which I'm not overly excited.
The letter was submitted by Braden Dougherty, whose name I may be spelling incorrectly. Braden wrote some sort of technology column for The Omega last year.
I don't know what else to tell you. I like the start of this one, but it kind of loses steam at the end. Mr. Advice Guy has always been one of two things at The Omega that has a strict space limit, and thus a strict word count. This is one of many installments that ends really abruptly because I've run out of space.

Mr. Advice Guy #6 - March 12, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
With the approaching job fair and my desperate need for booze money, I need to know how to win over potential employers. Please help me.
A sober student

Dear Sober Student,
To paraphrase Dr. Nick, there are many options available for dangerously sober individuals such as yourself.
I’ll try to answer this question without stealing any of the tips that Travis Trudeau offered a couple weeks ago in his ‘award-winning’ column, “Mastering the job interview”. I assume you read it.
A job fair is an interesting setup for a prospective employee.
You’ll be in a place full of people vying for your attention. They’ll all want to attract you, to get you to come over and spend some time with them.
It’ll be like the time I went to that girls’ dormitory. Boy, was that ever a sexy adventure…
But I digress.
In a situation like yours, where you need to start drinking as soon as possible, you should look to save time wherever possible.
Approach only those employers who look particularly desperate. You can’t waste your time with anyone who might have options here. Pretend it’s last call at the bar and you just need anyone to come home with you.
When you talk to these people, don’t bother talking dollars and cents. Converting that to beer will only consume more valuable time. Cut to the chase: “How much beer per hour does this job pay?” They’ll know you mean business.
Let me know when you get that beer.

Mr. Advice Guy #5 - March 5, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
What’s the deal with dating? I am sad and alone and nobody seems to be in a hurry to enter my life, so at this point I’m seriously considering it.

Dear mysterious stranger,
First of all, I hope by ‘it’ you mean ‘dating’, because if you mean ‘suicide’ you clearly need the kind of help Mr. Advice Guy can’t provide. There are some things even I’m not qualified to deal with.
Anyway, dating is a topic I am very familiar with.
No, I’ve never actually been on a ‘date’, per se. But I’ve read many Archie comics, and their plots deal almost exclusively with dating. Here are some tips I’ve picked up:
1. When you take your date to the local soda shoppe, order one soda and two straws. You’re welcome.
2. Borrow your parents’ car. No one wants to be seen in your hideous jalopy.
3. Never make a date with two girls for the same place and the same night. I can’t stress this point enough. I know it seems like maybe you can run back and forth between the two girls without having them notice, but it won’t work. Even with Jughead’s help.
4. Choose the blonde who loves you over the rich brunette who doesn’t respect you. They look identical, but the blonde’s a lot nicer. How much does a brown wig cost? Plus, I’m pretty sure she puts out.
I hope that helps. If you ever need advice on avoiding detention or raising money to go to prom, let me know.

Mr. Advice Guy #4 - Feb. 27, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
I have an addictive personality. I cannot get myself off the Internet and I desperately need to do my school work. I recently discovered a whole list of TV Links alternatives and now I find myself hopelessly hooked to an endless supply of television shows from the good, the bad and the ugly. I now watch more TV online then I ever did from the actual television. It is all so extremely addictive. How do I possibly wean myself from the Internet when I have to be on it to do my school work?
TV Shacked Up

Dear TV Shacked Up,
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that TRU doesn’t offer any television analysis courses. The good news is that if you’re watching a lot of TV, particularly anything that aired from 1985-99, you’re well equipped to enjoy (or at least to understand) the jokes I make in my columns.
Maybe we can get you addicted to Mr. Advice Guy instead of TV.
Maybe not.
Honestly, this is something that I struggle with, too. I spend a lot of time in front of the computer writing for my courses, and I struggle with the temptation to goof off.
I’ve had to set up a reward system for myself. After I’m done a story (or a paragraph or whatever), I reward myself with some “goof-off time”. After a bit of that, it’s back to work.
Give it a shot. This way you can get your work done and still enjoy those reruns of “Small Wonder”.

The birth of Mr. Advice Guy

Hey,
Below are the first three installments of Mr. Advice Guy. It's a sort of humour column I've been writing the past year or so for my campus newspaper, The Omega (www.theomega.ca).
I've got a bunch more, and I'll put them up over the next little while. Most of you probably know the idea behind these, but in case you don't:

#1) Mr. Advice Guy came about when Jen Robertson, the editor of The Omega at the time, came up with the idea of doing an advice column. I decided it would be easy to do a humourous advice column, and I wanted a way to get some funny stuff into the paper, so away we went.
This first one starts a recurring trend for Mr. Advice Guy: essentially all the letters I used came from friends and other Omega staff members. It's still the same today. I basically have to force people to send me letters.
Anyway, the first letter was submitted anonymously by Landon Moskowec, the sports editor at the time. I don't remember ever exchanging glances with him in the elevator, but who knows?

#2) The second letter was written by Melissa Vasey. Melissa was my classmate at the time, and now she's one of the editors-in-chief at The Omega.
This installment marks the start of yet another Mr.-Advice-Guy theme. As 90 per cent of my humour is based on TV, I tend to reference it a lot. This is particularly true of shows from the '80s and '90s.

#3) My girlfriend Myrissa and her sister Alyissa (pronounced Alicia; don't ask me) wrote this letter. It's a very thinly veiled shot at our roommate at the time, Pete Lucarotti.
Pete's a good friend of mine and is currently writing for the Grande Prairie Daily Herald Tribune, the newspaper with the ridiculously long name. He's a good guy, but he tends to dress like a 10-year-old boy.

So those are the first three Mr. Advice Guys. Please let me know what you think. More to come soon...

Mr. Advice Guy #3 - Feb. 13, 2008

Dear Mr. Advice Guy,
One of our roommates has an unhealthy obsession with sharks. It’s gotten so bad that he even has clothing resembling the fish. He’s even named his mittens. Let’s call them “Carol” and “Willis.” He never goes anywhere without taking “Carol” and “Willis” with him. We’re so embarrassed that we don’t want to be seen with him. How do we let him know that this “relationship” with his mittens is unhealthy? Do we need to stage an intervention?
The Anti-Sharks

Dear Anti-Sharks,
It sounds like your roommate may be Tom Hanks from the movie Big. Does he also hang around a young boy and play “Chopsticks” on a giant piano?
I think the best thing to do would be to get him to the nearest Zoltar machine and get him to wish himself back to being a kid. Unfortunately I don’t know of any empty fairgrounds around Kamloops.
It’s clear that this guy needs to grow up, fashion-wise at least. Any adult who walks around with woolen sharks on his hands has a serious Peter Pan complex. And don’t even get me started on the fact that he named them. I just hope that the names aren’t as lame as the examples you gave me.
You’re probably going to have to take this “boy wonder” shopping and help him pick out some big-boy clothes. I’m sure he could use a complete wardrobe overhaul. That means getting rid of the torn jeans, the super-hero T-shirts and the sneakers. Believe me, it’s for his own good.

Mr. Advice Guy #2 - Feb. 7, 2008

Dear Advice Guy,
My cat will not leave me alone. He insists on being pet constantly. My school work is starting to suffer, because I don’t have time for anything but him. Please help! What should I do?
Overly Loved

Dear Overly Loved,
I just have one question: Who’s the pet and who’s the
owner here?
This is clearly a case of a cat who, much like Tony Danza, doesn’t understand who the boss is. Only it seems like this case isn’t leading to nearly as much wacky comedy (and hopefully nowhere near as much sexual tension) as the trials and tribulations of Tony and Angela did for so many years.
I think what you need to do with your cat is to establish your dominance. That way, when you tell him to go away, he’ll know you mean business.
Here’s what to do. Grab a pen, I’ll wait.
First, stare him down. This might take a while. He’ll probably act like it isn’t bothering him and he might even nonchalantly walk away, but keep at it. Two to three hours ought to do it.
Next, spend a week or two really getting in your cat’s face.
Call him a punk. Put a “kick me” sign on his back and throw him outside amongst other neighbourhood cats. Trip him when he walks by. Really throw your weight around. Remember those bullies in high school? Be like them.
If all else fails, beat the crap out of him. He’ll get the picture.

Mr. Advice Guy #1 - Jan. 30, 2008

Dear Advice Guy,
On a recent trip to a work-related conference, I have fallen in love with a co-worker (let’s call him DF). He is charming, handsome, intelligent, sophisticated, and funny. The problem is, he is currently seeing someone else. Yet, however, on the trip there were definite sparks between us. We would exhange glances in the elevators and hallways, and at seminars. How do I approach him about our unspoken chemistry? I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
Sincerely,
Enamoured Editor

Dear Enamoured Editor,
Wow, that’s a tough one. Guys like DF only come around once in a lifetime. Believe me, I know the type: ruggedly handsome, boyishly charming and devastatingly sophisticated.
I bet he’s a Winnipeg Jets fan, too.
He may seem like the perfect guy (and probably is), but there’s not much you can do while he’s seeing someone else. He’s probably in love with his girlfriend right now and unwilling to field competing offers.
But it’s important to keep your image in his mind while you wait out his current relationship. Send him expensive gifts for every occasion. Believe me, no man will ever be able to forget the girl who gives him a new iPod for Earth Day. Or how about leaving wads of cash in his jacket pocket when he’s not looking?
Also, if this DF is the kind of guy I think he is, he probably puts a strangely high value on good grammar. Next time you write in, “wow” him with yours. Use “yet” or “however” but never both at the same time. Go ahead and spell “exchange” correctly. You’re going to have to pull out all the stops to snare this catch.

Pre-intro intro

After months of procrastinating, I've finally decided to get off my butt (or on my butt, I guess) and get a blog going.
I don't really know what form this thing will take, but I'll start by posting the things I'm writing for the Kamloops Daily News and The Omega. I'll probably write some other stuff eventually, but I don't want to commit to anything right now.
Anyway, some time soon I'll throw a bunch of stuff up from the last little while, and I plan to write a better intro, but it's 12:30 a.m. and "bedways is rightways now".