First things first (because that just makes sense): clearly I haven't been updating on a daily basis like I said I would. There are two reasons for that.
First of all, shortly after posting that I realized I don't want this to turn into something that I update constantly with short little mean-nothing posts. I'd rather take time and actually write something relatively meaningful, even if that "something relatively meaningful" includes references to '80s TV.
The second reason is that I'm busy. Wait, not busy. Lazy. The second reason is that I'm lazy.
Anyway, I just spent the better part of my Saturday watching the first round of the NFL draft. And I decided to keep a running diary. Now you know what it would be like to watch a semi-interesting event with a semi-interesting person.
I haven't edited this much so it may be full of typos. Let me know what you think. If I get any sort of positive response, I might attempt to do a live running diary some time...
- In their opening statements, both Keyshawn Johnson and Steve Young told me they think this is going to be fun. That’s all I need to hear.
- I love how the first overall pick has become the least exciting pick of the draft.
- Why do I feel like Roger Goodell reacts to the sound of cheering fans in much the same way the rest of us react to the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. I’ve never seen him look even a little bit comfortable in any situation.
- I have a hard time buying the hype surrounding Matthew Stafford. He’s definitely benefiting from a weak QB class.
- The guys on the panel don’t seem sold on Stafford either.
- I’m glad the first overall pick is out of the way. Now maybe Keyshawn will stop talking about how he was a first-overall pick, too.
- Mel Kiper likes Mark Sanchez with this pick for St. Louis. I don’t. Just because he’s the best QB available doesn’t mean he’s the right pick.
- The Rams really need to draft an entire team here. Jason Smith makes the most sense to me, though.
- And it’s Smith. I bet the Rams would have loved to trade down, but at least this should help them protect Bulger.
- The Chiefs should jump all over Aaron Curry here. With a half-decent defence, I think KC could really be good in a terrible division this year.
- I can only assume this is the only time ESPN will ask for Herm Edwards’ opinion on anything today. Herm thinks the Chiefs should trade down. I’m noticing a trend.
- By the way, as a Bucs fan I’m really afraid of Tony Gonzalez being in Atlanta this season. That is all.
- I’m putting the over/under on pick 17 for a Keyshawn/Young fistfight. And I’m taking the under. Steve seems fired up today.
- The Chiefs take LSU defensive end Tyson Jackson. Apparently, that’s a “system pick”. Aaron Curry couldn’t have played in the Chiefs’ system?
- Seattle’s another team that needs to draft an entire team. This might be where someone trades up to take Sanchez.
- Steve Young has already held “not a referendum” on Marc Bulger and Matt Hasselbeck. Funny.
- The Seahawks take Curry. Sanchez made more sense to me. He could learn from Hasselbeck, and he’s the kind of pick Seattle fans could get excited about.
- Mort is expecting a trade frpom the Browns here. He suggested they could take Sanchez to “control where he ends up”. I suppose that’s true, in that they’d ensure that he ends up in Cleveland. Can’t we say that about any draft pick?
- The Jets have moved up into this spot. I’d assume that means Sanchez goes here.
- Either Sanchez just got a phone call saying he’s going to the Jets or he’s really excited about the amount of money he’s saving by switching car insurance providers.
- Well, any Jets fan who thought the Jets were only a QB away from the Super Bowl is excited right now. Brett Favre is rolling over in his grave. What do you mean he’s not dead?
- You know you’re good at your job as the ShamWow guy when your picture can be all over the Internet because you beat up a hooker and they still run your commercial constantly. I wonder if he told the hooker that he can’t do this all day. Did he ask the mugshot photographer, “Are you following me camera guy?”
- It looks like the Bengals are taking offensive tackle Andre Smith. I liked B.J. Raji here. He just seems like he’d fit in well with what they’re trying to do in Cincinnati, namely to field a team of degenerates.
- That said, if the Bucs could somehow get Raji, I’d pee my pants. In excitement, I mean.
- I hate the Raiders. I really hope they take Jeremy Maclin here. It makes sense, because Al Davis loves speed, but it doesn’t make much sense for any other reason. At what point does someone wrestle control of the Raiders away from Davis? And I mean literally, physically wrestle. It wouldn’t be hard to do.
- The Raiders just took wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey. He’s fast. That’s about all he’s got going for him. They could have moved really, really far down and still got him. They essentially picked, at best, the third best receiver available. Todd McShay had Heyward-Bey ranked 25th overall and fourth amongst receivers. That’s awesome. You’ve got to love Al Davis, assuming you aren’t a Raiders fan.
- Herm Edwards likes that pick for Oakland. Enough said. I guess, if nothing else, they can build on this.
- I really hope Michael Crabtree doesn’t end up in Green Bay. All signs point to him being available for them at No. 9. My good friend Pete Lucarotti is a Packers fan, and I don’t want to have to hear how Crabtree will turn that team around for the entire summer. Of course, he’ll also be excited to get B.J. Raji, so either way I’m probably screwed.
- Jacksonville takes offensive tackle Eugene Monroe. That’s a good pick for them. If they can protect David Garrard, they could bounce back from a horrible 2008 and make some noise this year.
- B.J. Raji’s on the phone and smiling. That’s not a good sign.
- His family’s celebrating. I’m not.
- It hurts me to say that the Packers should be really good this year. Of course, I would have said the same thing this time last year.
- Crabtree’s got to go to San Francisco at 10 now. And the 49ers have to be ecstatic that he’s still on the board.
- Erin Andrews just reported that someone at Crabtree’s table breathed a sigh of relief when he wasn’t chosen by Oakland. Funny.
- There goes Raji to Green Bay. Goddamn it.
- As if it wasn’t hard enough to focus on the draft with NHL and NBA playoff games happening at the same time, Raiders of the Lost Ark is on, too. Must…stay…focused.
- I’d be ecstatic if Aaron Maybin somehow fell to the Bucs at 19. I won’t hold my breath, though.
- Crabtree’s on the phone. He should probably try to work a “no nude Singletary” clause into his contract.
- And San Fran takes Crabtree. If only they had some sort of QB to get him the ball. 49ers fans are having Jerry Rice flashbacks.
- We’re getting to a point in the draft where I don’t know what to expect. I think Buffalo’s probably looking at defensive end/linebacker Brian Orakpo or Maybin here, but I’m not sure. They need a pass rush. Badly.
- The Bills take Maybin. Damn.
- Denver’s up next. I really feel like the Broncos are in disarray right now. I’m going to go ahead and suggest that getting rid of one of the best young QBs in the league isn’t a move that you make when things are going well. I’m just saying…
- This pick could be a running back. Maybe Knowshon Moreno. They need a miracle.
- The Broncos take Moreno. They’ve gone from being a team where anyone can run the ball well to a team where it seems like no one will be able to run successfully for them.
- The Redskins are on the clock, and they immediately take Orakpo. That took all of five seconds. He could make some noise lined up beside Albert Haynesworth.
- The Saints are up next. They need pretty much anything on defence. I wrote that in 2002 and I’ve been recycling it every year since. They could also use a running back who can actually run the ball, although I liked Pierre Thomas last year, as did my fantasy team.
- Herm Edwards agrees that the Saints need to go defence here. You’re my boy, Herm!
- And New Orleans takes cornerback Malcolm Jenkins. As a Bucs fan, I like the fact that he’s supposedly not that great, and that speed is an issue.
- The Texans are up, and I have no idea what they need. Linebacker maybe? Houston’s probably the team I know the least about in the NFL.
- The Texans take outside linebacker Brian Cushing. Meh. He describes himself as “versatile”.
- San Diego should probably draft a head coach here. If not, maybe a wide receiver like Maclin makes sense, assuming Shawne Merriman can come back and be Shawne Merriman this year.
- The Chargers take outside linebacker Larry English. I guess that means there are questions about Merriman. I still liked a head coach for them here.
- Now the Browns will make the pick they got from the Jets. I hope they don’t take defensive tackle Peria Jerry. Mock drafts ad him falling to the Bucs, and I’ve liked the highlights I’ve seen from him. He kind of reminds me of Warren Sapp. And that’s not biased at all…
- The Bucs moved up into this spot! They give up their sixth round pick to move up two spots. They might take quarterback Josh Freeman. That would be exciting, but I’m still hoping for Jerry here.
- Looks like it’s going to be Freeman. Give me a second to talk myself into this.
- Well, at least this makes this season interesting. The Bucs have never had a big, mobile, athletic guy behind center as long as I’ve been a fan. I’d feel a lot better about this if we still had Jon Gruden at head coach. He could work with QBs. I don’t know that Raheem Morris will be able to do the same thing. But this will be interesting. Freeman’s got all the tools. It’ll be a lot more exciting watching him instead of Byron Leftwich or Brian Griese. Leftwich will probably start the year as the starter, but Morris apparently loves Freeman, so I assume we’ll see him sooner rather than later.
- Denver takes linebacker Robert Ayers. Steve Young could not hate the Broncos more. It’s pretty hilarious listening to him talk about the Jay Cutler deal.
- I’d really like to watch a football event (game, draft, practice, etc.) with Steve Young and Keyshawn Johnson. I feel like I’d spend 90 to 95 per cent of the time trying to explain that they agree with each other and that there’s no reason to fight. “Steve, it’s Key’s turn to talk.” “Key, Steve just said the exact same thing.”
- Looks like the Eagles have moved up to take Maclin at 19. Good pick for the Eagles, though he seems a lot like Deshawn Jackson, their first-round pick from last year. I’m not sure who the Browns are waiting on, but they’ll wait a couple more picks.
- I just want to point out that the second-ranked wide receiver on most boards was just taken at 19. The Raiders took the fourth-ranked receiver on those same boards with pick No. 7. Awesome.
- Herm Edwards just gave Andy Reid a vote of confidence. I think my head exploded.
- Now the Lions pick again. Steve Young wants them to take five offensive linemen here. Instead, they go with tight end Brandon Pettigrew. That should help Stafford’s development both blocking-wise and receiving-wise. Even Steve’s on board. Could the Lions actually have a good draft?
- Apparently, Cleveland was waiting on center Alex Mack. I think they probably would have moved down a few more spots if they could have, but it seems they got the guy they wanted and they picked up five more picks in the process.
- The Vikings take wide receiver Percy Harvin, whho failed a drug test at the combine. Mel Kiper’s comparing him to Reggie Bush. Can Minnesota fans get excited about that? Now Mort’s telling us that Minnesota’s trying to clean up their team. That makes sense.
- Herm just compared Harvin to a sports car, and could not have looked more happy with himself afterwards. Atta boy, Herm.
- The Patriots trade pick No. 23 to the Ravens, who choose offensive tackle Michael Oher. Apparently he used to be homeless. Go check out the story for yourself so you can change the channel when it’s mentioned a million times over the summer.
- Atlanta’s on the clock. I liked Oher’s interview with Erin Andrews. He’s got some swagger. You need that in an offensive tackle. OK, that’s not true. But I like a little swagger in any football player.
- The Falcons take Peria Jerry. I’m going to go hang myself.
- Miami’s up next. I wonder if the Dolphins worry about whether a potential pick can work within the Wildcat offence. I want to go on the record right now with the idea that we won’t see the Wildcat from anyone after the sixth week this year.
- I really hate the Boston Pizza commercials with the family all wearing the same kind glasses. If you think a baby in glasses talking like an adult is funny, I don’t want to be your friend. There, I said it.
- The Dolphins take cornerback Vontae Davis. Apparently he’s the younger brother of Vernon Davis. You’ve got to love that pedigree.
- New England’s back on the clock. Apparently they’re trying to move down again. I’m really tired of Bill Belichick copying everything Eric Mangini does. Wait…
- The Packers have moved into the 26th spot. They take linebacker Clay Matthews, who to me looks a lot like Green Bay linebacker A.J. Hawk. Matthews’ dad played linebacker in the NFL, and his uncle is former Houston Oilers offensive tackle Bruce Matthews, who played 48 years in the NFL. Roughly. You actually do have to like that pedigree.
- The Colts pick running back Donald Brown with pick No. 27. Joseph Addai is turning 26 this year, but he looks like he’s about 36. This could be it for him.
- The Bills take center Eric Woods. Steve Young just told us that center is the new tackle. The Bills better hope so, because they really need a tackle.
- The Giants take wide receiver Hakeem Nicks. If you had the Giants taking anything other than a wide receiver, you’re an idiot. He’s tall, so maybe he can replace Plaxico Burress on some level.
- The Titans need a wide receiver at No. 30. It looks like maybe they’re talking to Beanie Wells, which wouldn’t make much sense at all. I’ll assume he’s on the phone with Arizona.
- Tennessee takes wide receiver Kenny Britt. That should be a good pick for the Titans; Britt’s a big, possession receiver who should help Kerry Collins. Or Vince Young if he somehow becomes sane between now and September. I assume that means Arizona will take Wells next. Say good night, Edgerrin.
- Herm just told us that Ken Whisenhunt “wants to get back to pounding the football, especially with Arizona.” Luckily for Ken, that’s where he’s coaching.
- Arizona takes Wells. That means the Steelers are on the clock, with middle linebacker Rey Maualuga the highest rated player on the board. The Steelers need offensive line help if they want Ben Roethlisberger to live through the season. They don’t need linebacker help. I won’t be surprised if they take Maualuga here.
- The Steelers take defensive tackle Evander “Ziggy” Hood. It makes sense to call a guy named Evander, “Ziggy”, right? That leaves Maualuga on the board for the Lions at 33. I think the Lions are actually going to have a good draft. I’m scared.
OK. That's it. The entire first round. The Lions didn't take Maualuga, but I think their draft will still be pretty good. I didn't bother proofreading this much because it's so long. The "h" and "y" on my keyboard are screwed up, so there may have been some problems with those in particular.
Anyway, I hope maybe you liked this on some level. I'll try to post some more stuff soon.
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